This is not my life!

First things first - a bit of my background.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS). I was raised with LDS beliefs and I have seldom questioned them. I have a strong testimony and because of that I have been forced to put aside my true feelings and live within the guidelines of the LDS church. It is a terrible struggle. I know that I am not the first to head down this path, nor the last, but I do not believe this is getting any easier or more clear for me.

I first knew that I was attracted to the same sex when I was in elementary school. All of my friends would talk about the girls they wanted to chase at recess, but I wasn't interested. I actually had a crush on another boy named Christian. My mother once teased me about growing up and starting to like girls. That's when I told her that I liked Christian. She was very upset and took me to have a chat with the bishop of our ward. Together, my parents and the bishop told me what a horrible test I had ahead of me. That although God had made me with these feelings, it was a test to see if I could obey His commandment. If I gave in to my attraction for boys, I would fail the test and I would not be with my family for eternity.

For years I kept to myself. I didn't go to school dances. I didn't go to church activities that involved the Young Women and the Young Men. I didn't date or go to my own prom. After I graduated from high school I felt an overwhelming desire to serve God and my church. I was so excited the day that I received my calling to serve a mission in Brazil. I knew that everything I had suffered was for a good cause, that it had made me stronger and more prepared to go to Brazil.

When I first entered the Missionary Training Center I was thinking about devoting myself to my church, learning a new language, and doing God's work. Once I was there, however, I began to feel a stronger attraction for men. I knew that the two-year mission I was about to serve would prove to be a bigger challenge for me than the other young men surrounding me. Still, I had no idea just how difficult it would be.

Once in Brazil I tried to focus only on the people and delivering the message of God. For the most part things went well. During my second year, I was moved to another area within my mission zone and assigned a new companion. My new companion, whom I shall call Toby, was at first very standoffish. He did not want to talk about anything other that the tasks at hand. Toby did not talk of his family or background. I felt very lonely. One evening, as Toby and I were preparing dinner, he boldly stated that he knew I was gay. He claimed that he had known it from the moment we met and he had kept me at bay because he was afraid. Toby admitted that he was attracted to men and felt a huge conflict between his feelings and the church. He was afraid that we would act upon our feelings and be forever ruined in the eyes of God.

The following morning we went directly to our mission president and told him of our concerns. The mission president spoke to us individually, which was very unusual. He asked me about my past, trying to figure out if I was worthy of my mission calling. Less than two days later I was reassigned to another companion and Toby was sent home having not completed his mission. We did not speak again and I was never really sure what happened, but he must have done something that was not worthy of serving a mission. The mission president checked up on me regularly.

These events really scared me and I prayed to the Lord to relieve my suffering and show me the true and proper way back to Him. I completed my mission in the summer of 1993 and returned home in time to begin my second year of college.

While attending college I met my wife - I will refer to her as Kate from here on out. At first I tried to treat Kate as a friend, but she worked her way into my life. While I did not feel a physical attraction to Kate, I did care for her and I felt comfortable with her. We had the same desire to follow the teachings of the church. Just after we graduated from college we were married.

Much of the time between my wedding and now is a blur. I began a career, Kate and I had two children, and I was called to serve as bishop in my local ward. It all looks perfect, just what I imagined I needed to accomplish to spend eternity with my loved ones. However, I am not fulfilled. I feel as though I am living the life of some other man. I feel trapped and I don't know why God would do this to me. Why is He testing me so severely while I see others who go through life so easily? There is not a sigle person I can speak with. Even God does not answer my prayers.

Struggling Gay-Mormon Bishop